Battle: Los Angeles (or how NOT to do an Alien invasion)

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***WARNING CONTAINS VARIOUS EXPLETIVES, BAD WORDS AND/OR GENERAL NOT SAFE FOR WORK LANGUAGE BLAH BLAH BLAH DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU, SO ON AND SO FORTH*** 

Hi folks! How's things? Been a bit since I posted anything...so...here we are then, eh? 

Have any of you ever seen the movie Battle: Los Angeles? It's not really a bad movie. It would certainly keep you entertained for about an hour and a half or so. It's got some very well done action sequences and special effects, even if it is a bit short on character development. But then what are you expecting, Shakespeare? It's a summer action flick. 

It also has Michelle Rodriguez in it which is a definite plus in my opinion. 

Anyways, my problem with the movie isn't so much with the movie itself but with the entire 'Alien Invasion' genre. I'm sorry, but why pray tell does every single alien feel compelled to go about their invasion in the exact same manner? I'm not exactly General Patton but every time I see one of these movies I can't help but notice the obvious flaws in the evil invading alien's strategy. Namely, what could be better than air superiority? How about DEEP FUCKING SPACE superiority?
Okay so let me walk you through my version of an Alien Invasion...
It all started perhaps seventy earth years ago. Observation posts picked up this signal coming from this backwater little blue green ball in the middle of nowhere. It's this practically hairless ape thing with a little bit fuzz under his nose is barking on and on about something called a 'Jew' whatever the hell that is. Still, bears keeping an eye on these bald apes. They're starting to come along somewhat. 

Then a couple rotations around their star and...oh holy fuckballs on a shit covered stick, they've discovered nuclear bombs. And...um....what's with these reports of these camp things all over these places called Europe and Asia? They...they...did what to each other? Industrialized slaughter, you say? Biological experiments as well? Right then. Really gonna have to keep an eye on these apes. These little fuckers are psychotic and dangerous. 

About two dozen or so more rotations of this little blue and green rock go by and now these bald apes have managed to figure out how to stuff animals then members of their own species into rockets then lob them into low orbit around their planet. Alright then. Time to set a serious watch. Really gotta keep a close eye on these genocidal little monkeys.

So...you find out that there's plenty of good stuff there. Lots of minerals, natural resources and such. However there is the minor problem of the billions and billions of homicidal little bald apes that live there. What to do...what to do... Well...most of their latest big whiz bang hopped up little toys seem to run on the distilled essences of long dead plants and such. And say, isn't that handy? Most of this goop they use to make it from comes from one place on their little blue and green rock. Plus you'll be doing the universe a favor, really. I mean honestly. The little naked monkeys can't go ten minutes without slaughtering each other what exactly do you think is going to happen once these primitive little monkeys leave their little rock behind?

So park a half dozen or so galactic cruisers in this great band of asteroids and crap floating the third and fourth rocks around their star and use the ship's tractor beams to push a couple of these asteroids towards their planet, specifically targeting these regions where the inhabitants draw their petroleum distillate from. 

That's done? Good shooting, guys. High fives and ice cream for everyone.Now we're going to sit back and watch some of the broadcasts the bald apes are constantly belching out into the cosmos. We'll wait until they stop and then we'll give it about another say year or so after that. We've got nothing but time.

After the apes have finished trading face punches over whatever's left of that petroleum stuff and all the nasty little diseases they've thought they beat come back to bite them on their collective asses never mind the fact that they can't use the petroleum to farm anymore we'll start moving in. What are they gonna do? The very brightest minds their species could come up with were creaming their shorts and doing fucking cartwheels when they managed to get a couple clunky robots to the next planet and that was BEFORE we set them back a couple centuries.
So...yeah... After seeing the explosion over the Ural Mountains earlier and the near hit (I much prefer George Carlin's 'near hit' to the phrase 'near miss', thank you very much) with the asteroid on Friday and the reported fireballs over California and Cuba today I can't help looking up at the sky and wondering. Is somebody throwing stones at us? Are they walking their fire in? 

Sometimes having a hyperactive imagination isn't all that conducive to getting a good night's sleep.

Anyways, that's all I got for just now. Be sure and visit the link at the top of the post and pick up a copy of my eBook, Outbreak: Boston, if you're so inclined. It's reasonably priced for the pleasant day or two's reading you'll get. Or maybe it'll take you longer depending on how fast you read and how much time you can actually spend at it. Also, rest assured there will be a sequel to it coming out directly. Look for it sometime this spring or maybe early summer.