***WARNING CONTAINS NSFW LANGUAGE AND SUCH. SO...DON'T SAY I DIDN'T TELL YOU. THEN AGAIN, IF YOU READ THE TITLE OF THIS POST AND CONTINUED ONWARD...WELL...YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.***
I got a Blu-ray player for Christmas. I picked up a copy of the latest Resident Evil movie in that format because fuck you brain that's why. I like those movies. Why? Because fuck you, brain that's why. They're so awesomely bad. Just bear in mind that the entire premise for those movies is to make Milla Jovavitch look awesome. She's not my type, but hey whatever floats your boat.Those films have little to nothing to do with the games. Which is pretty good, as at least the first three games in the Resident Evil series have some pretty serious flaws of their own in my opinion. I couldn't really get into the fourth one, mainly because I can't stand Leon S. Kennedy (or as I call him, Captain Emohair) for some reason. Probably has something to do with his stupid haircut or something. Five was pretty good. Six...well...it had Captain Emohair and a disturbing lack of Albert Wesker. I know I've probably lost a couple of you out there as I keep poking fun at Captain Emohair and his girly haircut but...oh well.
Also, am I the only one that thought working for Umbrella had to be the worst fucking job this side of 'random monster #3474' in an RPG? Think of those poor shlubs working in the lab in the first game. There's that HUGE FRIGGIN' MANSION in the middle of nowhere, right? Like a bazillion square feet, counting the secret underground labs. So, being run by clinically brain dead cockmonkeys, where does Umbrella put the *only* bathroom? Naturally, as far from the entrance to the underground labs as possible. And oh, nononono...can't just catch the lift. You've gotta go climbing around the attic, dodge the giant snake, get the Armor Key, run to the room at the far end of the west wing of the mansion, hit a switch then run up to the second floor balcony and wrestle the Blue Gem Key off of a goddamn dog....
Not that the poor residents of Raccoon City had it any better. Of course, according to the games, Umbrella built Raccoon City (more or less). Then that begs the question: why on God's green and verdant did anyone come there and FUCKING STAY!?!? A trip down the block to get a loaf of bread from the store seems like it would take you all afternoon!
Anyways, the movies. Right. It proves that (in the movies) that Umbrella Corp is, if anything, run by an even bigger pack of room temperature IQ assclowns than the Umbrella Corp in the games. I mean, I wasn't expecting brilliance here but holy fucking shit they took the cake, lowered their drawers and collectively just took a big giant shit right on it. Then for good measure they humped it like that skinny kid in American Pie.
I wasn't expecting much from the people that couldn't even think to have their super advanced mega computer send an email (see the first movie), but shit...they had a FACTORY that did nothing all day long but pump out Michelle Rodriguez clones. And, you know, the other characters from the movies too. Milla however you spell her last name there and Middle Eastern Type Guy and...those other people that were there.
I'm no marketing genius but shit...if you could either get a clone that looks like this:
Or one like this:
Which one do you think would make you more money? Also, I don't think my 'ultimate killing machine' would have IT'S FUCKIN' BRAIN EXPOSED. (as a quick aside, for the love of GOD don't look too long for a picture of a Licker on Google Images with the safety filter off. *shudder*)
If they had sold their stores of Michelle Rodriguez clones (and other assorted clones) instead of going the horrible death monster route they would have all the money. I mean ALL OF IT. As in the rest of us would be on the barter system until some Umbrella executive type got thirsty and bought a Coke or something.
And, the funny thing is, from my understanding of US Patent Law, the clones would be Umbrella property. So, I suppose that they could sell them if they wanted. Of course, last I heard human cloning is illegal in this country but I'm sure that a company as morally bankrupt as Umbrella wouldn't think twice about throwing gobs of money at Washington until they changed their mind.
And, by my math, there's be at least a 43-71% less chance of a zombie apocalypse if they HAD gone with the selling Michelle Rodriguez clones plan. I can't believe that somebody didn't bring it up at one of those board meetings they have (even after the apocalypse, for some reason). Which would negate the need for them to hole up in their bunkers and they could sleep every night on giant piles of $100 bills. Or...you know...bigger piles of $100 bills.
Okay, maybe you're morally opposed to owning what could be construed as a sentient being. Fine, okay. Well...why wouldn't Umbrella use their mastery of human cloning to break the face of modern medicine in ways there (probably) aren't even laws against yet? I'm talking about 100% rejection free transplants. Need a new heart! Get a couple cells and BAM! There ya go, fucker! Lost an arm in Afghanistan? Half a tick...BAM! New arm! If they can clone an entire human being, cloning parts of one wouldn't be that big of a stretch. In fact, I barely paid attention in science class but I'd think it would be easier than cloning an entire person. Because...you know...the bits are generally smaller and less complicated than the ENTIRE HUMAN BEING.
Anyways, that's all I got for right now. If you're of a mind to, head on over to Amazon. com where you can get my first book, Outbreak: Boston. I've got a page for the book on Facebook too and I usually do more stuff there than on here. Look for Outbreak: Boston and like the page.
P.S. I've got a sequel coming soon. I just finished the first draft the day before Christmas so hopefully it will be ready to roll by the spring. And I've been talking with an artist about doing some cover art, so there's that. Because placeholder images suck.
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